Looking Back

I was up at 3am this morning dealing with the soreness in my back. There is nothing on TV at 3am except a bunch of people trying to sell you some type of gadget. So I did some praying and a whole lot of thinking...until I drifted off back to sleep around 5. I intended to write about something else concerning my wound but this morning I realized something I did, something wrong that maybe you can learn a lesson from and spare yourself from tons of heartache. Looking back I have realized that this was too a part of me being the poser, trying to find affirmation from the wrong source. John Eldredge, in his book "Wild at Heart," talks about how men turn to Eve when they don't get affirmation from their fathers. He warns us as men that this is a very dangerous thing to do and that we are setting ourselves up for a heartbreak. That's exactly what I did. Not getting the affirmation from my real dad (killed himself when I was 3) nor from my ex-step dad, I turned to Eve. My brother and sister had married and moved away from home and it was just me. Left in the wilderness to fight for myself.
I was headed to Brownsville one day near Christmas time and they were calling for some snow. When I heard the forecast on the radio I decided not to chance it and turned around. I decided to stop by Wal-Mart and find my mom something for Christmas. When I walked in I met my Eve. These two girls are yelling at me and when I approach them I realized I had met them once before several months ago. I started dating one of them. I was seventeen, she was fifteen. After two years of dating we decided to get married. Huge mistake! About four to six months in the marriage she became pregnant. Boy, I really thought I was a man now. I had the American dream--the home, the wife, and now a child. Our marriage was over after just two and a half years. The girl I had put all my trust in, the one who gave me my affirmation for four and a half years, just went and filed for a divorce for no reason. Well, there is a reason...another man. The ultimate shame is to have your wife sleeping with someone else and your kid calls him daddy. This kind of pain, in my opinion, is worse than death. It is in your face everyday and the pain is almost unbearable. Learn a great lesson from me...Wait until you are at least twenty five years old to get married. Go to college, build yourself a financial base, and live out your dreams for a while. And the greatest lesson I can teach you is this...Seek affirmation from God. You need to be reminded that you are His child and that you belong to Him. He accepts you just as you are. I wish someone had taught me this sixteen years ago. It would have saved me from years of heartache. Tomorrow I will even take you deeper into my wound. Randy Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. 29 He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. 30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, 31 But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.