Ouch! That hurts!

I finished reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge this past weekend. What a book. Every man needs to read this book. John challenges us to face our past and quit being posers. I thought that was a word only used by skateboarders but he used to describe men who have buried their past and put on a facade for all to see. As I read the book I found myself agreeing with many things said and even some of the people he used as examples. No one likes admitting they have a weakness, after all, we're men! But as I read this book I discovered that I have a wound. A wound that I have tried to bury for years and years. A wound that I thought would just go away, yet it has been thrown up in my face long enough and it's time to face it...with the help of Jesus of course. All weekend I have invited God to fillet me and show me how to realize and deal with my wound. It's difficult. I've always said that I would never be like my dad. But let me clarify something and it's going to take you into my wound. My real dad committed suicide when I was three. What a wimp! I never knew what his voice sounded like. He left my mom to raise three kids on her own. Two years later she remarried. She married a man she had met who lived down the street from us and mowed our yard. They were married for twenty-two years when he left her. I was five years old. He was all I knew for a dad. He didn't have any idea how to be a dad. He had no children of his own. He was caught up in his own little world and we didn't dare try to enter it or we were yelled at. I can remember as a child being spanked until I peed in my pants. Even when I was older I can recall being shoved into a stove and my mom screaming at me to keep my mouth shut or he'll kill me. I can count on one hand the times that he said he loved me and that was only if I said it first. All my life I was told that I would never amount to anything. My mom would even chime in sometimes and I'd hear things like, "You're just like your daddy!" I couldn't stand to hear that! And sometimes when my wife and I argue she'll make a comment that drives me absolutely nuts when she says, "You're just like (my ex-step dad)." And you know what. She's right. I've always said that I didn't want to be anything like him but many times I find myself acting just like him. That's why I must face my wound. I must take it head on so God can help me find my heart again. This week, I will journey into my wound. So hold on tight and bathe me in prayer. God bless, Randy

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.--Albert Schweitzer,