Looking for "affirmation" in all the wrong places...continued.

I want to pick up where I left off yesterday examing my past and opening my wound. I told you about my booming stereo and skateboarding success and how they brought me affirmation. This morning I want to tell you about "church." Is it possible that church could play a part in my wound? Yes. And looking back, I see how. Before my first wife and I divorced we started going to a Pentecostal church of about 500 people. Everyone was so loving and accepting, the preacher was an awesome speaker, and the Holy Spirit moved in mighty ways there. One day I noticed that the drummer was playing during worship on Sunday morning and then leaving as soon as the music part was over. Majority of the time he wouldn't be there on Sunday or Wednesday nights. Without the drums, it just didn't sound right. No one else stepped up to play and I noticed that when the drummer was there I followed his beat. I have never played an instrument in my life nor have I ever had any lessons. But that didn't deter me. I told my mom that I thought I could play those drums so I went out and bought a brand new five piece set of Pearl Drums. With no training and no experience I was playing in front of 500 people! And one of the greatest memories I have is when the preacher stopped the worship service and pointed out to everybody that I was playing and he told how I've never played drums before in my life! Man, the affirmation I got that night was great! I had so many people giving me pats-on-the-back and bragging on me. I was soaring like a rocket traveling high speed through space! Only this too, would one day come to an end. Our preacher decided to become an evangelist and he left. When the new preacher was hired, his wife was in charge of the music. By this time I was in the middle of my divorce. I went to ask for help during this difficult time in my life but all I got was the boot. She told me that I couldn't play the drums anymore. It was the most difficult time of my life. I had lost my family, my job (because of family problems), and now, the only thing that brought me affirmation, my church. But all is not lost! I went to another church because that's where a lot of the people who got mad at the new preacher went to. They needed a bass palyer. I have never picked up a guitar but that didn't matter. I played in front of two hundred people like I knew what I was doing the whole time. I even sang some solos! But this too faded away after a couple of years. Looking back I see that all of these things I have talked about over the last few days, the skateboarding, the stereo, the truck, the drums. They were just my way of covering up who I really was. It was ways for me to get something I never got from my dad...affirmation, the sense that I belonged somewhere. They brought me pats-on-the-back and I couldn't get enough of it. But now they are gone. Oh, I still have a skateboard but my back injury has caused me to put it in the shed, I still have a set of drums, only they are collecting dust in my bedroom, I still have the trophies from my baseball days, crank it-up contest, and skateboarding, but what they do for me now is different. They remind me of the poser I was. Now that I have faced my past, I must alow God to direct my future. I must learn and am learning to seek affirmation from Him. Why? Because He is always here, He always has an ear to lend, and His love is very great. No matter how bad I screw things up, He loves me anyway and He's there, there to lend a hand to pick me up and get me going again. My friend, if you are not getting the afirmation you need or you didn't get it whie you were young, turn to Jesus. Drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever you fill in the missing pieces with, they are NOT the answer. They will all fail you. Your friends will, your family will, your spouse will,your kids will, but not Jesus. Why do you think He is called "petra"? He is the immovable stone. You can trust Him. Do you? Hebrews 11:6 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:5 For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Looking for "affirmation" in all the wrong places...

Affirmation. Everybody wants to know they have what it takes. We want to know we are special and that we belong. That's why we like to get pats-on-the-back and pay raises, etc. Affirmation must be instilled by a father to his young child. If the young child doesn't get any or enough, they'll seek for it elsewhere. I'm the perfect example. I'm 35 years old and I'm still seeking it, only now do I realize I've been looking at the wrong things and seeking the wrong people to get it from. Let me take you back to when I was 16. My first car was a 1978 Pinto. Oh yes...my step dad even put a new paint job on it-silver with a black stripe! After driving it for awhile I graduated to a 1986 Ford Ranger. It was a base model, but hey, at least it wasn't a Pinto! Then one day I decided to get into stereo equipment, after all, my friends we're competing against one another so I might as well join in. Here we go...seeking affirmation. I wasn't satisfied with something simple. It had to be the best and if your stereo was louder, or had more bass than mine, I would make sure it wasn't very long. I went and bought two, fifteen inch dual voice coil Orion subs and two twelve inch. I filled my doors with midranges and tweeters. I used a Clarion receiver because my Sony would shut off the bass hit so hard. Hi-Fonic amps were cased behind my bucket seats. I had a convertible top on my truck so people could hear me for a long time. I remember going into a neighborhood to a friends house and people would come from all over "to see who was boomin'." That's right. It was me. The king of boom! And I have a trophy to proof it.

That's not the only trophy I have. I was a sponsored skateboarder when I was fifteen. I won first place at a contest held in Memphis, TN. I'm looking at the trophy now. It says, "Millington Invasion, March 11, 1989, put on by Mother Skates." As you can guess, I wanted to be the best skater around and I proved that I was pretty good for my time! The praise I got from that was like no other. The paper came and did several interviews. I'm talking big articles, not your little caption under the picture. People read my articles and called me from different towns. I was getting to be famous! I loved all that attention, that is, until I went to Wal-Mart and met my first wife (see yesterday's blog). She gave me affirmation and after falling off the top of a twelve feet tall half pipe, skating lost it's flavor. However, twelve years later, I started skating again. And of course, I got so much attention, especially from the teenagers. Here was this "old man", as they called me, doing all these cool tricks. I loved the praise, the attention, the pats-on-the-back. But it all came to a screeching halt a few months ago because of a back injury. Where have they gone? Now that the skateboard has been tossed in the garage, where are they now? Now that we no longer set the ramps up on a weekly basis...where are the praises? the affirmation? It is gone. Sure, a few kids come around every now and then or they'll text me on the cell phone, but man, it is really silent out here. It's so quiet. Silence is something I'm not used to. I have got to have noise. My wife says it's because I'm running and I need the noise. Maybe she is right. That's why, like I said the other day in my blog, I have to face my wound. I must allow Jesus to take full control. I must quit being a "poser" and allow God to have full reign. More tomorrow. Peace. Randy 1 Kings 19:11-13 Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. 13 So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. Suddenly a voice came to him, and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

Looking Back

I was up at 3am this morning dealing with the soreness in my back. There is nothing on TV at 3am except a bunch of people trying to sell you some type of gadget. So I did some praying and a whole lot of thinking...until I drifted off back to sleep around 5. I intended to write about something else concerning my wound but this morning I realized something I did, something wrong that maybe you can learn a lesson from and spare yourself from tons of heartache. Looking back I have realized that this was too a part of me being the poser, trying to find affirmation from the wrong source. John Eldredge, in his book "Wild at Heart," talks about how men turn to Eve when they don't get affirmation from their fathers. He warns us as men that this is a very dangerous thing to do and that we are setting ourselves up for a heartbreak. That's exactly what I did. Not getting the affirmation from my real dad (killed himself when I was 3) nor from my ex-step dad, I turned to Eve. My brother and sister had married and moved away from home and it was just me. Left in the wilderness to fight for myself.
I was headed to Brownsville one day near Christmas time and they were calling for some snow. When I heard the forecast on the radio I decided not to chance it and turned around. I decided to stop by Wal-Mart and find my mom something for Christmas. When I walked in I met my Eve. These two girls are yelling at me and when I approach them I realized I had met them once before several months ago. I started dating one of them. I was seventeen, she was fifteen. After two years of dating we decided to get married. Huge mistake! About four to six months in the marriage she became pregnant. Boy, I really thought I was a man now. I had the American dream--the home, the wife, and now a child. Our marriage was over after just two and a half years. The girl I had put all my trust in, the one who gave me my affirmation for four and a half years, just went and filed for a divorce for no reason. Well, there is a reason...another man. The ultimate shame is to have your wife sleeping with someone else and your kid calls him daddy. This kind of pain, in my opinion, is worse than death. It is in your face everyday and the pain is almost unbearable. Learn a great lesson from me...Wait until you are at least twenty five years old to get married. Go to college, build yourself a financial base, and live out your dreams for a while. And the greatest lesson I can teach you is this...Seek affirmation from God. You need to be reminded that you are His child and that you belong to Him. He accepts you just as you are. I wish someone had taught me this sixteen years ago. It would have saved me from years of heartache. Tomorrow I will even take you deeper into my wound. Randy Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. 29 He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. 30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, 31 But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

Ouch! That hurts!

I finished reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge this past weekend. What a book. Every man needs to read this book. John challenges us to face our past and quit being posers. I thought that was a word only used by skateboarders but he used to describe men who have buried their past and put on a facade for all to see. As I read the book I found myself agreeing with many things said and even some of the people he used as examples. No one likes admitting they have a weakness, after all, we're men! But as I read this book I discovered that I have a wound. A wound that I have tried to bury for years and years. A wound that I thought would just go away, yet it has been thrown up in my face long enough and it's time to face it...with the help of Jesus of course. All weekend I have invited God to fillet me and show me how to realize and deal with my wound. It's difficult. I've always said that I would never be like my dad. But let me clarify something and it's going to take you into my wound. My real dad committed suicide when I was three. What a wimp! I never knew what his voice sounded like. He left my mom to raise three kids on her own. Two years later she remarried. She married a man she had met who lived down the street from us and mowed our yard. They were married for twenty-two years when he left her. I was five years old. He was all I knew for a dad. He didn't have any idea how to be a dad. He had no children of his own. He was caught up in his own little world and we didn't dare try to enter it or we were yelled at. I can remember as a child being spanked until I peed in my pants. Even when I was older I can recall being shoved into a stove and my mom screaming at me to keep my mouth shut or he'll kill me. I can count on one hand the times that he said he loved me and that was only if I said it first. All my life I was told that I would never amount to anything. My mom would even chime in sometimes and I'd hear things like, "You're just like your daddy!" I couldn't stand to hear that! And sometimes when my wife and I argue she'll make a comment that drives me absolutely nuts when she says, "You're just like (my ex-step dad)." And you know what. She's right. I've always said that I didn't want to be anything like him but many times I find myself acting just like him. That's why I must face my wound. I must take it head on so God can help me find my heart again. This week, I will journey into my wound. So hold on tight and bathe me in prayer. God bless, Randy

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.--Albert Schweitzer,

Reading

I absolutely hate to read. I am ashamed to admit that I don't believe I have ever finished a book from cover to cover. Nope. It's true. I would rather be doing something else. I love being outdoors with my kids, playing, coaching sports, or riding a skateboard. Anything but reading. I have a hard time disciplining myself to actually sitting there for awhile and staying focused on the book. My mind likes to wonder...But with all that I said, I am learning to read. No, not learning as in "I can't put words and sentences together," but reading. I'm training myself to actually sit some time aside to focus on a book. Right now I am reading John Eldredge's book, "Wild At Heart." My goal is to have it finished by this weekend because I have ordered another book entitled "The Externally Focused Church" by Rick Rusaw and it should arrive soon. I would like to read a book a week or at least every other week. Why the change? I have a back injury which limits what I can do. The doctors want me to have surgery. My orthopedics doctor said I am improving but I can't even run on a treadmill yet. I am having to make some serious "life adjustments." It's very difficult when your whole life you have been very athletic, active and now I'm like an old race horse with an injury...useless. So I am learning to read. And I'm finding out that it's not so bad! At least I'm broadening my mind. What problems are you facing? Don't give up. Pray for the Father to give you strength to endure. Don't look for a way out...Ask God to give you strength to cope, strength to endure. Remember, problems and difficulties come to pass, not stay. And when we come through them, we are a stronger person and our faith has grown as well. Ephesians 5:20 giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you Father, not only for the good times, but also the the bad times. Thank you for taking this lump of clay and molding it into what you would have me to be. Amen. Randy

taking up the cross

Going back to yesterday's thoughts, have you ever really thought about what it means to "take up your cross daily"? Let's think about this together. Just look at the cross and what happened there. A man hung in horrific, unspeakable pain. He had just taken the worse beating anyone could ever take. They say most people died from the beating and never made it to the cross. Jesus' flesh was ripped off His back from the whip they used. So as He tried to raise up against the cross, made of rugged wood, His exposed bones and muscles would be rubbing against it. This went on for six hours. Not only was it the cross painful, it was a humiliating event. More than likely Jesus was not on a hill far away, but right outside the city gates. He was hung there to be a public display. "What do you think about your king now?" was the cry of the religious rulers. And as people walked in and out of the city there was Jesus for the people to see, to mock, to curse at, to spit on, to question Him. But although the cross is a place of pain and humiliation, it's also a place of hope, a place of victory. Jesus had to endure the pain and humiliation so He could be our sacrificial Lamb (1 Corinthians 5:7). He is our sacrifice that brings us into a relationship with the Father. "Thank you Jesus for enduring the cross for us." Through Jesus, we have hope. Anything and everything, no matter what we face in this life, cannot compare to the cross, therefore, we can look to the cross and find encouragement, healing, strength, and love. We can go to the cross and live in victory. We can go to our Savior, Jesus Christ, because He has experienced the problems we face and He will bring us through them, making us a stronger person. Are you taking up your cross daily? There are so many people who need this message, a message of hope, a message of victory. If we are not carrying our cross, then they are not getting the message. Christians, pick up your cross for all to see. If you have laid it aside, go back and get it. Together, lets give what people need...hope and encouragement. Randy

the cross

Our mailman did something different when he ran yesterday. He actually got out of the truck and approached my front door because we had to sign for a letter. After I signed the necessary papers he started to walk off. Unknown to me was my five year old son coming from behind me. He was yelling and running toward the front door with something in his hand. He was yelling for the post man and running to catch him before he got in his truck to leave. He was on a mission! As he got the post man's attention I saw him hand something to him. Before I tell you what it was I want you to understand something about my boys. They are very artistic. They love to draw, color, and cut things out, especially paper puppets. So, my five year old son handed this total stranger this creation he had made, and did it ever teach me a lesson. My son had drew a cross, a big, thick cross and he had written things about Jesus dying on the cross. And he gave this great, powerful message to our mail man. I'm not sure if he could read what the words said because my son is just in kindergarten, but I'm definitely sure he knows what the cross is all about. And the lesson I learned, well, I learned again just how simple our responsibility is as Christian people. God doesn't want us to go out to be heroes and do all this Gladiator stuff. He simply wants us to tell His message. The message that Jesus became our sacrificial Lamb, that He was crucified on a cross, that He shed His blood for our sins to be washed away, and that He was resurrected on the third day giving us victory over death and that someday, we will be with Jesus for eternity...that is...if we have made Him our personal, Lord and Savior. If Jesus dwells in us, then He will be the Gladiator...He will be the hero. We are just vessels being used for God's purpose. Take up your cross so others can see it. Show it. Don't hide it. Luke 9:23 Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. Randy

a little fussy

My family took a pretty long trip this past weekend. Besides my wife pointing out that we had a low tire because of a roofing nail and having to find a tire shop FAST, we had a good trip. My boys never complained, but they were quick to let me know they had to use the bathroom. But my two month old daughter, well, she is a different story. She did great until about 30 minutes before our arrival there and then on the way home she let loose about an hour before we pulled in the drive way. She was tired of laying in that car seat. Every thing we tried to pacify her did not work, and if it did, it only lasted for a few minutes. The boys were pleading with us to "make her quit crying!" They were even saying "please!" After we had gotten home she was still a little fussy. Kim and I just kept taking turns holding her and loving on her and she finally calmed down and went to sleep. When she woke up this morning she was all smiles. She was out of that car seat and glad to be home.
Our lives is like a series of road trips. We travel for a while and everything is fine but sometimes we get "caught in traffic" and our trip is slowed down and "this or that" takes longer than planned, or we run into an unexpected detour and we begin to get a little fussy. We don't have time to make a pit stop to get some rest because we have a destination that we have to arrive to so we just keep going and going, exhausted and cranky. I want to challenge us all to slow down...no stop... just get off the road for a while and take a break. Get some much needed rest. Sip on a soda, eat a snack, and most of all, spend some quiet time with God. He will refuel your tank and your "life trip" will be more enjoyable. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Randy